day twenty-four

i'm thankful for...

cultural customs

earlier today i was driving with zac

and we saw a funeral procession

like from the funeral home to the cemetery

and i love that people in georgia

and at least people in utah

pull over

i love the sign of respect

and sorrow it shows

i didn't notice it before nathan died

and i hadn't really gave it any thought

but now it makes me cry

because it sucks

i hate that we're members of

the dead family member club

no one should have to join it

but i love that we support others

through one of their toughest moments

day sixteen

i'm thankful for...

photographs

somedays

i find myself forgetting

what my brother looks like

and i hate myself for it

this is why

i am SOO thankful

for photographs

i can see us

all happy together

and it feels

like i get to glimpse

eternity

day fifteen

i'm thankful for..

eternal families

it gives me such piece

to know that i can be with

my family again

that i will see my brother

and my grampa, 

and my great grama and great grampa

my grampa great

and all my other family

i never got to meet

on this earth.

being ignorant makes me...

i wanted to say mad,

because that's what i want to label it at first

and then i realize it's pity and sadness

you don't get over a huge,

life changing, traumatic event

and when someone goes through something similar

you feel an unfortunate kinship-
one that you never wished to share with anyone, ever

no one will understand it

no one will be able to say the right thing

but when the people who are closest to you

start talking about a similar event

and talk about the things you went through

and say they can't imagine what it's like

it makes me want to scream, and cry, and run

run from them, run from the people i thought understood

understood my family, understood me

i know, i know what it's like

i know what it's like to never want to be happy again

i know what it's like to want all of this, this event, this life, all of it, to be over

i know what it's like to see it all unfold in front of you

i know what it's like to think what if

what if i hadn't fallen asleep

what if i had acted earlier

what if things were different

what if he were still here

and what hurts the most is i still feel alone

i feel like i never even knew them

like they never knew us, me